Is sometimes more than I can do…but I have come to understand it’s what’s expected, especially by those that don’t know me well. I have a pretty bubbly personality most of the time, but like everybody else I have my down days and my troubles, my quiet, introspective times… We cannot choose when these times occur and often we have social obligations that must be met.
Unfortunately, for me, I suck at pretense. Could not win at poker if my life depended on it. Sighs… If I am having some physical discomfort it is usually written all over my face, and inexplicably everyone notices. Because I am often gregarious… when I choose to be quiet… it freaks people out. Also, and this is the bane of my existence…when I am not smiling or laughing…I have a natural frown and I look sad or pissed off. I am not, of course, but because it looks that way, I feel like I always have to be smiling and laughing for those around me to be comfortable.
and I am still trying to wrap my head around how what I feel and think matters much to anyone outside my inner circle, and why my emotions are often targeted in group settings. That may sound paranoid and narcissistic…but I have witnesses. There could be 20 people in the room, and many will take notice of how I am feeling/acting. It seems I am not only a billboard, but a neon glow in the dark one at that. It is not the kind of attention I want focused on me. It seems impossible for me to fade into the background, and yet sometimes that is exactly what I would like to do.
Don’t get me wrong… it’s lovely to be cared about by many. I am always grateful for any sweetness that comes my way. It’s just some days… bubbly and gregarious is more than I can manage. I feel as though I have to apologize for depriving people of my infectious exuberance when I fail to muster it, and maybe… I do?