I was thin growing up… in fact I was really thin. We didn’t have a lot to eat and I thought it was because we were poor. I always felt hungry. I would happily scrounge food at friends houses whenever they were kind enough to share, and I think had I been properly nourished I would have had the propensity to be heavy even then. It wasn’t until later on that I realized we could have afforded food well enough, but it was never my mother’s priority. My mother grew up in the south and I think body image = self worth was imprinted on her at an early age. So she attempted to pass on to me her way of remaining thin. (Starving) At least that’s how it felt to me. She ate so little that she just never gained weight. I don’t think she was anorexic but she was always skin and bones when I was growing up. In retrospect it is obvious to me that being thin was even more important to her than proper nutrition. Since I had never been heavy at this point…I could not relate to her fear. To me it just seemed cruel the way she rationed our intake. She was very strict with our food. She didn’t enjoy cooking. I think food was her enemy! Food was always prepared in exact amounts.. no more no less. I thought it was odd when I visited friends houses and their fridges were filled with containers of all kinds of food. Our fridge had minimal food items, and everything was monitored and rationed. I was not allowed to free feed ever! Looking back… I think food was something my mom could control in her uncontrollable world. Second helpings were a rarity and there were never leftovers. I did not know what leftovers were until I was grown.
So once I was on my own and able to eat all the things that I didn’t get growing up… I rebelled. I ate the yummy foods that I could afford with reckless abandon, and I began to pack on the weight. I did not eat an over abundance of food…except for occasional binges, but I ate all the wrong foods. I was a carb hound. I seemed to crave the very foods I shouldn’t eat, and I discovered fast food. I didn’t have that growing up either, and it’s so bad for you. I had no idea how to manage food other than deprivation which in my rebellious state I was not willing to consider. My mom had crazy self control but I did not. The weight crept on slowly… insidiously. Before I knew it I was 50 pounds overweight. I felt horrible, and I said ugly things to myself when I looked in the mirror. Why couldn’t I eat the things my friends ate without being fat? It was then I really learned how much being overweight effects how people treat you, and how much it matters to men that you maintain the image of what they consider suitably fuckable. Finally my mother’s message was sinking in. I tried a few diets and exercise programs all to no avail. When I finally found the diet that worked for me (low carb, no sugar), I had also discovered a way to have guilt free binge days. (ipecac syrup) When I was 20 pounds away from my goal weight I got pregnant. I gained 50 pounds. I enjoyed my pregnancy for the most part, but after I had my son, in addition to being a new mom, I now also had 70 pounds to lose. I was right back at square one and then some. Consumed with my new baby boy I did not rush to get the weight off, but I was ever aware that my then spouse found me less attractive at my post baby weight, and if it wasn’t present in my mind he was sure to make it so. Little comments here and there ate away at my self esteem. He would often compare me to other women and enlighten me as to how I could improve my own figure. Now in my late 20s I began the arduous task of taking off that 70 pounds, binging for cheat days and purging to alleviate the guilt. Eventually I found sugar free/carb free ways to indulge that didn’t require purging so my bulimic ways were short lived. It took me just over a year and a half to get to my goal weight of 128 pounds. It was during this time that I learned the hard way how different life was for those who carry the stigma of weight. The general public tend to make assumptions about people who are large just because of their size. Sometimes they are downright rude. I endured comments, smirks, stares, it was humiliating. I encountered all kinds of fat shaming discrimination everywhere I went. I didn’t forget those that treated me badly when I finally got thin. When you are thin and reasonably good looking doors just open.
Newly single and pissed off when I reached my goal weight, I waged a vendetta against those that were cruel to overweight people. Most if not all did not remember me…but their faces were permanently imprinted on my brain. The same men who scoffed at me and made fun behind my back… were now interested in me. I have to say that I enjoyed not giving them the time of day because the way they treated me before was indicative of their true caliber. Sometimes just living well in my new thin skin was the best revenge because envy is a multi- headed viper that will strike you when you least expect it. Women that scorned me before now wished they were thin like me. I finally understood the power of thin and sexy and I wielded it like a light saber. Hell hath no fury like a redheaded (fat girl) scorned.
I stayed reasonably thin for close to 10 years, but eventually life took its toll on me and I again rebelled. I guess I just got tired of all the restrictions that dieting required. It has never seemed fair to me that I have to give up so many things in order to maintain a palatable physique. I have again altered my eating habits and the weight is coming off slowly the way it’s supposed to. The difference is now I am confident in who I am. I was always the same person, fat, thin or in between, even back then, but I fell into society’s trap that my worth was tied into my appearance. I know now that I am worthy no matter what size I am. I diet now for my health not because I need to appear a certain way in order to be loved. I am loved for who I am. I have a goal in mind but it’s not set in stone. I am flexible. My goal may need to be adjusted to what will work best for my body. Even if I never reached that goal I would still be loved and cherished, and that is as it should be!
If we are confident in who we are we will attract a prospective significant other regardless of our size. Today I focus on positives. If I can impart anything to my female audience it is to learn your worth. Don’t let our media driven society dictate your thoughts about your own body. We are women. We bear children. We are meant to have a little cush. I for one do not find skin and bones the least bit attractive! You are all beautiful in your own light, and if you choose to diet do it for your health not because someone expects you to look a certain way in order to be suitably fuckable and loved. People who are worth having in your life will always love you for who you are.